instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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