Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
