I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
