I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
