i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
