Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
