Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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