The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Watching her eat just hurts me
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
So vagazzling was a success
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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