Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
