He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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