Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
