Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
