I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
