Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
