Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
