He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As shirtless as possible
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
