I just cut my nipple shaving
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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