While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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