I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
