Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
