i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
