Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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