Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
All I want is dick and wine.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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