I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
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