the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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