We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
