My balls are so social today.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
