I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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