Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
