Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
