i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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