your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
