trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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