The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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