Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
