At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
