Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
