I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
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