listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
