I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
