I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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