Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm like, not good at living.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
