I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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