a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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