I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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