note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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