Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
