Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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