$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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