I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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