I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
