so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How does one acquire holy water?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Randomize
