Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
