Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
